Bullying is a Problem. What can we do about it?
By Marilyn LaCourt
It's hard for parents to know when to intervene in their children's battles, and when to let them work it out themselves. Parents of children who are being bullied face a very difficult dilemma.
The mother of a shy thirteen-year-old boy put it this way. "When he was ten and the bullying still hadn't stopped, I wanted to intervene by talking to school officials. My son said, 'no, that'll only make matters worse. If they find out my mother has to fight my battles, they'll get even nastier.' I thought sadly, perhaps he's right. My intervention could make matters worse. I knew something had to be done, I just didn't know what, and who should do it."
Parents of victims offer their children excellent advice when they tell them to mind their own business and stay away from trouble, or to turn the other cheek, to accept an apology from an offender and get on with it. Many advise them to seek help from an adult when they have been abused or fear they will be abused. Some children are taught an eye for an eye, not to start a fight, but to defend his/her self when necessary. Others are told to be assertive and even aggressive in letting others know where they stand. Some children are taught they should be nice to others and others will be nice in return. This is all good advice, but no one strategy will work under all circumstances. Many children don't know when or how to use which strategy. It can get pretty complicated for them. Teaching children to fend for themselves is a big job; parents could use some help.
Parents of victims are in a tough
spot, but the parents of the little
bullies have a dilemma, too.
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"Stop me, go ahead, I dare you."
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I don't think bullies are better off than victims are. To some extent, bullies are inappropriately aggressive because they get away with it, and getting away with it signals that the system is letting them down. It's like they're saying, "stop me, go ahead, I dare you." Little bullies are often the frightened victims of bigger ones.
Bullies may experience a momentary rush of adrenaline when they make the smaller, weaker and more sensitive child cry, a fleeting moment of victory when their friends laugh and slap them on the back as though they were heroes, and a sense of power when the authorities helplessly look the other way. But, I think the little bullies are angry, scared, and feeling out of control. What kind of scary place must the world look like to a ten-year old who can get away with intimidating his peers and even the adults who are supposed to provide security and order? Unlike the fanatic terrorists who don't value life here on earth, I think our own homespun little bullies want to thrive and survive and that could be one good reason for learning to treat others fairly.
It's hard to know when to
Intervene and when to let them work it
out for themselves.
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"…they have to pay attention to the bullies to help them get their social needs met …"
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Growing up, figuring out how the world works and what's our place in it can be a painful process. Kids need to learn how to fend for themselves, how to get along with their peers, and ultimately how to succeed in the world. It's hard to know when to intervene and when to let them work it out for themselves. Sometimes, adults have to rescue the victims and put the bullies in their place. Sometimes, they have to pay attention to the bullies to help them get their social needs met in more appropriate and satisfying ways.
Children can't always rely on authorities to solve their problems, to provide formal sanctions for misbehaviors, to mediate their conflicts, and to be fair in their judgments. Just telling them however, to work it out for his/her self seems a little irresponsible. Children, bullies and victims, have to be taught the social skills needed to get along with each other, regardless of whether they like or understand each other.
Children, bullies and victims, can learn through practice and experience to abide by the rules of fair play regardless of different cultures, sexual orientations, religions, skin color, or socioeconomic circumstances.
Cooperation evolves naturally over time when people who interact with each other on a regular basis treat each other fairly. A classroom setting where children are systematically taught the social skills of cooperation, a safe place monitored by adults where they can practice these skills with each other, can provide an ideal environment for valuable interactive learning to occur, for self reliance to be nurtured, and for cooperation to evolve.
With the potential for violence in our schools escalating to the point of children being maimed and killed, perhaps parents need to advocate for teaching both bullies and victims some survival skills of cooperation in the classroom setting.
Marilyn LaCourt, a former marriage and family therapist with twenty-five years of clinical experience is the director of Communication Programs, LLC. She is the originator of the "Live and Let Live" Bully Prevention Program, and the author of the novel "The Prize: a novel about bullies and victims and what drives them", published by American Book Publishing Group soon to be available for purchase at www.pdbookstore.com www.bulliesvictimandchoices.com and www.lacourt-m.com
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