"My daughter is going to have a girl. I can't wait to start spoiling my granddaughter," a friend recently told me. His attitude was echoed by another participant in the conversation, "That's our job. Spoil them and then send them home for the parents to deal with." Everyone laughed and nodded agreement.

The belief revealed by the conversation above is that the parents' job is to raise a responsible, caring, confident child and the grandparents' role to undermine that effort.The belief is harmful and if left unchecked could do irreparable damage to your grandchildren.

What do you believe? Your language patterns, the words you use to speak to your grandchildren, offer clues. Check through the "Five Best/Worst things to Say to Your Grandchildren." They will help you determine whether you are helping or hindering your grandchild in her/his efforts to become a responsible young person.

The Five Best Things to Say to Your Grandchildren

1. "You can choose this or that."
There is power in choice. Whenever feasible give your grandchildren choices.
"You can choose chocolate or vanilla."
"Would you prefer an apple or an orange with lunch?"
"You may choose the jacket or the sweatshirt with the hood."
Giving children choices increases their decision-making ability and gives them an opportunity to exercise the power that is available to them. As they act on those choices their perception of themselves as able and empowered individuals increases.

2. "Please make a different choice."
When your grandchildren are disruptive or behave inappropriately, avoid attempting to change their behavior by overpowering them with commands and orders. This tactic opposes an attitude of mutual respect and is more likely to cause children to resist than to change.
Say instead:

"We don't threaten with our fists here. Please make a different choice."
"The rule is we keep our shoes off the furniture. Please make a different choice."
"You are choosing to go out of turn. That spoils the game for everyone. Please choose differently."

3. "We've got a problem. Who is willing to help?"
Sooner or later one of your grandchildren will spill milk at your kitchen table. That's when this communication strategy will come in handy. Say, "We've got as problem. We need a towel and a sponge quickly. Who is willing to help?"

"We have a problem. Who is willing to help?" models the search for solutions. It teaches your grandchildren that you are more interested in fixing the problem than you are in fixing blame.

Your grandchildren will track in dirt, scratch the furniture, destroy flowers, break things, and leave your tools outdoors. Because they are children, they will give you a multitude of opportunities to say, "We've got a problem, who is willing to help?"

4. "That's whining. Whining doesn't work with me."
Do expect your grandchild to whine. It is age appropriate at two, three, eight, thirteen, nineteen and every other age in between.
When it occurs, say, "Madison, that is whining. Whining doesn't work with me. What works with me is to ask in a normal voice, with normal tone and normal volume. If you do that, sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you don't. But it's your only hope."

Don't be surprised if you are tested. Your grandchild will check you out to see if you meant what you just said. Show them that you do. Don't cave. You may be tested more than once. Once your grandchild realizes that whining doesn't work, she will drop the behavior. Prove to your grandchild that whining doesn't work with you.

5. "I love you and I don't like that behavior.
Your grandchildren will choose behaviors you don't appreciate. They will act in ways you don't condone. On these occasions, use language that separates the deed from the doer.

"I love you Jason, and I don't shop with people who choose that behavior."
"Larry, I love you a bunch and when you choose to be that loud, I need to be somewhere else.
Clarissa, I love you and I see you've chosen to be in time-out."

This style of language makes it clear that although you don't enjoy or must limit your grandchild's behavior, you still like the child. It is not the child who is disapproved of. It is the behavior.

The Five Worst Things to Say to Your Grandchildren

1. "Don't tell your mother/father."
"I'll buy you this candy, but don't tell your mother."
"You can stay up another hour, but don't tell your parents."
"Don't tell you dad I let you watch this show."

Not only does this behavior teach your grandchild to lie, it teaches them it's OK to lie to their PARENTS. If you are tempted to speak this way, be assured that the behavior under consideration is inappropriate for your grandchild. Make a different choice.

2. "Girls don't play around in the dirt like that."
Yes, girls do play in dirt. They get messy and rip their clothes the same as boys. Refrain from using this sexist language that labels girls as children who have to stay clean. Experience is messy. Allow your female grandchildren to benefit from those experiences.

3. "Big boys don't cry."
Indeed big boys do cry. They feel sad, grieve, and shed tears. To tell your grandchild otherwise is to do them a disservice.

4. "Here, let me do that for you."
Is, "Here, let me do that," a regular part of your language patterns? If so, you could be contributing to the phenomenon known as "learned helplessness." This occurs when adults do things so often children stop doing them for themselves.

"I'll get it for you," "I'll do it," and "Let me handle that," are variations of the same theme. Remember, the more you function for your grandchild, the less he has to.

5. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself."
Shaming sometimes works to produce the behavior we want from our grandchildren, but at what price? Along with shame come the core beliefs of "I'm no good," "I am not worthwhile," and "I am wrong."

Children who are shamed regularly come to believe that shame is justified, that they must have earned it and deserve it. They see themselves as shameful, begin to believe they are shameful, and then act in accordance with those beliefs.